Heinz Doofenshmirtz: You see Valentine's is torture, and my Birthday is a mess
New Year's is a lot of noise, and Arbor Day's a pest!
Halloween's a horror but I guess I must confess
That I really don't hate Christmas!

You see Flag Day is infernal, April Fool's is just a bore
Mardi Gras is a waste, unless you own a candy store
All these other holidays I can admit that I abhor
But I really don't hate Christmas.

Now it isn't that I like it, at the most I feel ambivalence
But should I really just destroy it? I'll admit that I'm still on the fence,
It makes me tense!

From the evil scientists' community I'm sure to get ejected
But for Christmas I can't seem to summon any true invective
Because what is there to hate? I mean it's really so subjective
No, I really don't hate Christmas.

I hate puppy dogs and kittens, I hate flowers in the spring
Heck, I even hate the sunshine and the birdies when they sing
I can work up animosity for almost anything
Tell me why I don't hate Christmas.

Though my childhood was atrocious, Christmas never was that bad, you see
So the most that I can muster is complete and total apathy
What's wrong with me?

How can I prove that I'm an evil villain worth his salt
When with a holiday so jolly I can't even find a fault
If I didn't feel ambiguous I'd launch a big assault.
But I really don't hate Christmas
Oh, what the heck. Kickline!
No I really...
No I really don't hate Christmas!
I have an intense BURNING indifference!