Welcome aboard the southbound Lassitude 432 to Grim Town
If you are standing, please continue to stand
There are no additional seats

Please note this train is for the following
Categories of passenger only: Recipients
Of universal credit or minimum wage
The lonely, the disenfranchised
The disillusioned, the lost, the grieving
Those who are unmedicated and have salaries
Or pension plans should vacate the carriage immediately

Passengers will be required to disembark
And travel on their knees from this point
Sustenance will not be available
Please surrender any faith, aspiration
Or optimism to platform staff if you haven't already

There will be no refunds or compensation for any inconvenience
Refreshments will not be available onboard
Enjoy your journey