I was sitting in a diner
With a girl named Flo
She wouldn't say yes
But she couldn't say no
She said "Darling, Can I get a middle man?"
She was engaged to a fellow
On the lay a way plan
But she carried all her money
In a coffee can
She said "Darling, Can I get a middle man?"
The cook looked over
With a short order face
Dropped a fork
And he saw Flo's legs
Straightened his apron
And burnt my eggs
I got competition
Everywhere I go
These days

She was leaning on the juke box
And was lookin' real good
Like Natalie Wood
On a Pontiac hood
I said "Darling, I think I need a little hand"
Ya see, I've seen my downs
I've seen my ups
I seen miniature dogs
In coffee cups
But "Darling I ain't never seen a middle man"

Flo talked slow
Like real wet paint
She said
"A middle man's there
When the other ones ain't
He's got a left handed manner
That leans to the right
Sleeps all day
And keeps it up all night ..."
... I got an aunt in Ohio
And a boat that won't row
Some veterans insurance
And nowhere to go
"Darling, Can I be your middle man?"

(spoken)
If I could get the money in that coffee can
I could open me up a lemonade stand
Send all the kids off to Pakistan
Make Flo happy
If I can

Jerry Mahoney and Johnny B. Goode
Are gonna buy me a house in Hollywood
"Darling I think I got the perfect plan"
"We're gonna save half a dollars
And sell 'em to France
Buy us a record
And learn how to dance
And Darling I'll always be your middle
Darling Go buy a griddle
Darling I wanna be your middle man