Just one local call and you'll see
A happy path through life, not for free
A little bit fat, you can't get a girl
You're short on cash, I'll change your world
The only way now is straight up
Your deepest despair, I'll make it stop
Just $19.95, all major credit cards
And you'll stay alive, and you'll go far

In just seven short days
You'll change your life
All of your innocence found
You'll even lose a few pounds
See yourself making a mint
Quality time with your kids
Send me your money and I'll change your life

I know sometimes your life is a bitch
So come purchase my easy fix
I've been there myself,
Sad, fat and bald
Soon with my help, you'll have it all
I'll build you back up for the fight
You'll be so wound up your stomachs tight
You're the laugh of the party, you'll get yourself laid
Surely you'll trust me once I've been paid

In just seven short days
You'll change your life
All of your innocence found
You'll even lose a few pounds
See yourself making a mint
Quality time with your kids
Send me your money and I'll change your life
Change

So many years ago I was so low and lonely and depressed
I hadn't left my flat in weeks and never even bothered getting dressed
And I was smoking weed and I was in a mess
And that's when it happened
So I opened up the blinds to let the light in on my sorry life
I dreamed about success and money, muscles women, cars
And even wives, and they would always attend to my every need
So do you see what you can be, baby, when you're with me

In just seven short days
You'll change your life
All of your innocence found
You'll even lose a few pounds
See yourself making a mint
Quality time with your kids
Send me your money and I'll change your life